Monthly Archives: March 2010

“Give me a screwdriver…I’m taking the door off this stupid closet.”

I awoke this morning (ok, it was 3pm, but you get my drift) to an article on Yahoo stating that Ricky Martin has decided to come “out of the closet” after all these years and announce that he is gay.

I wasn’t sure if it was just me, or if perhaps I was jumping the gun years ago when I first saw his “She bangs” video…but I thought he was gay ALREADY. How is this a new development..? Granted, we could discuss the accuracy of my “gay-dar” for hours, seeing as I’m not homosexual, or lesbian, or bisexual (for those of you not hip to the hip talk, “gay-dar” is “gay radar”). For that matter, we could discuss the accuracy of a homosexual’s “gay-dar” as well, as I’m sure even THEY are wrong sometimes. Hell, while we’re at it, we could digress altogether and discuss the stereotypical assumptions of humanity as a whole, and question why anyone even HAS a “gay-dar” in the first place…accurate or not. That’s not what I came to talk about today however…because I don’t want to be here all day writing just as I’m sure you don’t want to be here all day reading.

What I DID come to do today was ask a simple question: “Does anybody really care..?”

I understand that as humans, we generally like to know what’s going on in the world…especially in the case of celebrities. People like to be up on their gossip. They like to have information on certain subject matter because it gives them the upper hand in conversation. As soon as you heard that Michael Jackson died, you felt the need to tell someone immediately. But no one wanted to be the first person to HEAR that Michael Jackson had died.

What I don’t understand however, is why someone being homosexual/lesbian/bisexual is STILL news..??

It’s 2010 for crying outloud! A woman won the Academy Award for directing for the first time in history. Our President signed a law finalizing health care which could change all of our lives significantly. Earthquakes are killing people by the hundreds of thousands. Our natural resources are depleting every single minute of the day. Our economy is garbage…not trash…GARBAGE.

…and Ricky Martin being gay when I already thought he WAS gay is the first thing I read about when I wake up?

I was halfway through the process of calling a few gay friends of mine and asking them: “Why would homosexuals even feel the need to stay IN the closet? Why not just tell everyone the moment you find out? Why not just live your life normally regardless of what other people think of you?”

I mean, I don’t go around all day telling people that I’m a heterosexual. I don’t make announcements to the general public that I’m a Christian. I don’t hold press conferences in the wee hours of the morning to tell the world that I’m a mulatto.

So why hide ANYTHING..?

Then it occurred to me…it’s not gays that are afraid to come out of the closet. It’s the U.S. as a whole that is afraid to accept the fact that there even IS a closet.

Seriously America, do we really still care about an individual’s sexual practices?

So your male neighbor sleeps with men. Who cares? How does that affect your day to day activities? So you know a girl that sleeps with girls. So what? Are they having sex with one another on your lawn? On your couch? IN YOUR BED? Can you hear the Elton John music blaring through the walls of their apartment? You can’t..?

So what do you CARE?

Haven’t we, a nation BUILT on maintaining ones rights, religions and beliefs…surpassed this way of thinking? Can’t we, a veritable melting pot of nationalities, thought processes and dirty secrets, just keep our mouths shut and ACCEPT that we can’t control who other people have sex with??

I can’t say this for sure (as I have no idea what the exact statistics are), but if I had to guess I’d say that the U.S. is the leader in cursing, fornication, porn, theft, larceny, erotic asphyxiation, abortions, rapes, murders, envelope-pushing television, porn, and “Skin-amax”.

Maybe we could get over a few folks’ desire to sleep with the same sex…no?

Or maybe I should just get my “gay-dar” checked…

– F


Filed under Controversy...Ya Gotta Love It, Really America?, This...I Just Don't Get

“Tom Cruise? Scientologist. Me? Christian. We still had a chat.”

I met Tom Cruise recently.
I mean, I meet a LOT of people everyday, and I meet a LOT of celebrities every day too…but I met Tom Cruise.

Maverick. Ethan Hunt. Les Grossman. Frank TJ Mackey. Jerry Maguire. Cole Trickle.


A few things that came to mind upon meeting Tom Cruise:

He really is a short guy.

He’s really got a huge smile.
He’s a Scientologist.
Maybe if I stand too close to him, I’LL turn into a Scientologist too.
Wow…he really IS a short guy.

But you know what? I know a LOT of Scentologists. And I know a LOT of short guys. And hell, I’VE got a huge smile too.

All I saw was a guy who shook my hand when he met me.

He grinned that ‘Cocktail’ grin. He stood there in a pool of $20 mil-a-movie confidence and said:
“Fidel, huh? Hi, I’m Tom.”

I know your name Maverick.

“It’s nice to meet you.”

Nice meeting you too.

(Pointing at my co-worker and I) “Are you guys leaving..?”

Actually yeah, we’re just getting off work, so I’m outta here..! I figured if you and Katie were leaving, the party’s GOTTA be over, no..?

“Ha! Guess so! Well it was nice meeting you again Fidel, thanks again for all your help tonight. You guys were fantastic, and everything was great. Goodnight.”

I know a liar (I’ve lied), and I know an actor (I’ve acted)…and this guy wasn’t doing either. There were no cameras, no tape recorders, no Boy Scout with a No 2 pencil and a pad trying to earn his Journalism merit badge. He didn’t dance on any furniture. He didn’t save any babies. He didn’t preach Scientology (if he did, I would have Last Samurai’d him).

He simply took his wife Katie by her waist, he said “Ok” to his security of 4 armed men (who I’m sure are, were, or are gonna be officers of the law) and he made his way…well…to wherever he was making his way to.

Goodnight Maverick.

– F

PS. Talk to me Goose.


Filed under A-List / B-List / No-List, New York City, Religion

“A New Yorker’s Guide To Being A New Yorker. (Part 1)”

I consider myself a New Yorker.

I wasn’t born in New York, then again, most New Yorkers weren’t.

My family didn’t move to New York when I was 5 either. I’ve lived all over the world, in more cities than I can count on both hands…seriously. I haven’t even been here most of my life.

But I have lived here longer than I’ve lived anywhere else, and I’ve always considered it to be the first city that I’VE actually chosen to live in on my own.

I remember seeing New York City for the first time in 1992…


The Rules To Being A New Yorker:

(Photo by: Fidel Amos)

Rule #1: “Get The Frak Out Of My Way”

Yes, it’s a tall building. I know, I know, it’s REALLY FRAKKIN TALL. And there has to be at least, 1000 of them! They’re EVERYWHERE, right..?? Totally! Wait…what’s that..? They don’t have buildings this tall where you’re from..? REALLY..?? That’s incredible…well, why don’t you just stand in the middle of the sidewalk and take a look at them..? No, no, noooo…go ahead…take a picture too. I mean, your friends back home aren’t gonna BELIEVE this! Really? What’s that..? You HAVE no friends back home..? Ouch, well why not…


I don’t care what you’re doing..! I DON’T CAAAAAAAAAAARE..!!!!

Just MOOOOOOOOVE out of my frakkkkkkking way!!!

Move, move, moooooooooove!!!

Take your picture from ACROSS THE STREET..! Or IN THE STREET..!

Just mooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooove..!!!!!


…that concludes today’s lesson.

…later on I’ll give you another one.

– F


Filed under Hear Me Roar, New York City

“Welcome To New York City Kiddo…”

(Photo by: Fidel Amos)

* Note – For my first entry into this spontaneously-created “blog-O-mine”, I thought it best to stick to the subject in the tag line…which is New York City. This is the only time I promise to do this. Yes, most of my stories, thoughts, meanderings, complaints and joys will be written about New York City…but not ALL of them. I want to make this very clear to you now, here, at the beginning of it all. That way on some random Tuesday when I’m spouting off about why I believe American Idol is the worst show on television, you don’t start complaining that although yes, it IS the worst show on television, it has nothing whatsoever to do with the Big Apple. You’ll just sit back quietly, and let me finish barking.

Now with all of THAT out of the way…I present to you: “The Big Bad Apple…In A Nutshell.”



Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a New Yorker, it’s the plague. But for tourists, it’s Val Halla. Stare away kiddies. They’ve got everything from the M&M store to Broadway shows. However, standing outside 8 hours in the freezing cold on New Years night just to see a ball drop for 10 seconds is just plain ludacrous (tourist or not).

(Photo by: Fidel Amos)
(Photo by: Fidel Amos)


* Get a Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich from AMERICANA DELI on 101st & Broadway.

They’re huge, they’re greasy, they’re everything you’d expect a Philly Cheesesteak to be. They make them faster than anyone YOU’VE ever met, and it won’t cost you even a $10-spot…regardless of whether or not you add a 20 ounce soda. The only kicker is the guys working there hardly speak English, so thank God it’s an easy thing to translate.

“P H I L L Y, C H E E S E S T E A K, S A N D W I C H . . . “


It’s just downright amazing. It’s a park as big as a small town. And unless you were born and raised in the Outback, or that area full of fields in between Kansas and Colorado, you’ll really be blown away by seemingly never ending expanse of good, green, earth. BONUS: Stand in the middle of Sheep’s Meadow. Having your feet on Mother Nature and being surrounded by a concrete jungle at the same time…remarkable.

(Photo by: Fidel Amos)

* Ride in a cab at least once.

Don’t do it TOO often, or you’ll lose all your spending money before you even get to the place you’re supposed to spend it! BONUS: Roller coasters have NOTHING on a pissed off foreigner speaking a language you’ve never heard of dodging traffic at 50 miles an hour as if the NYPD was on his tail!

photo by: Fidel Amos

* Try the corn (amongst other things) at CAFE HABANA.

This extremely tiny yet extremely cozy cafe-style mini-restaurant is near Little Italy on Prince & Elizabeth. I can’t really explain it to you, but you’ve never had anything like their corn on the cob, guaranteed. BONUS: You could eat 6 ears of it and it wouldn’t break your bank.


It’s cheesy, but there’s something about standing in line for an hour to skate for 5 minutes that warms your heart. Not to mention it’s near Radio City Music Hall and NBC and all that other hulabaloo that tourists love to check out. BONUS: That big-a** Christmas tree really IS friggin cool to look at during the holidays!

(photo by: Fidel Amos)

* Stay out til 4am!

It’s one of the few cities in America where the nightlife doesn’t even THINK about slowing down until 4 or 5am, and there are tons of things to get into even after THAT! Sure it’ll throw off your work schedule and probably cost you a hangover, but as we all know “Sometimes it feels SO good to be SO bad…”

* Take a picture with one or two of our NYPD or FDNY.

BONUS: They are a special breed of humans giving life and limb for mere pennies on the dollar, just so we can feel a little less screwed by the evil in our country. Taking a picture with them is (honestly) an awesome way to make em feel appreciated…trust me. DOWNER: Rub em the wrong way, and you’ll get shot 50 times (or if it’s the FDNY, you’ll get axed)..

(photo by: Fidel Amos)

Curse someone out.

Nothing makes you feel like a true New Yorker like picking some random person on some random street corner doing something random…and asking them what the f**k they’re looking at. They won’t know what the f**k you’re talking about, but they’ll kindly return the greeting with a “What the f**k did you just say??” or the ever popular “F**k you, you f**king f**k”. DOWNER: Be cautious, picking the wrong random person will get the NYPD called on you…and you’ll get shot 50 times.

* Head down to Battery Park to check out the STATUE OF LIBERTY.

Now, you don’t actually want to wait in line 3 hours for that stupid a** boat (which will probably make you vomit from being seasick) to take you to it (where you’ll discover it’s really NOT that big) where you’ll have to wait another 3 hours just to walk up it. You can see it just fine from the Manhattan side, and with the zoom on today’s digital cameras, you’ll even get a decent photo. Then lie and tell your friends it was fantastic, and they’ll grin and lie back about how they’ve already seen it. BONUS: In reality…THEY haven’t been inside of  it either.

* For no apparent reason whatsoever, scream out “I LOVE NEW YORK!”

Seriously. (Do it first now in the comfort of your own home to make sure you don’t sound like a total wuss when you scream). No one will care, no one will even look at you twice. BONUS: Someone might even reply “Why thank you. New York loves you too…”


Walk to 34th and 5th avenue. Stand under it, say something mundane like “Damn that’s a tall building!”, then walk away and do something else. They’ll charge you $35 to go to the top, and there’s nothing waiting for you there but a view you already knew you were gonna see anyway, and another line taking an hour just to get back down. Better idea, take the $35 (multiplied by the 5 members of your family, that’s $175) and go blow it on an IMAX film and an awesome NY dinner for you and the kids! BONUS: The best place to do this on a $175 budget is the Italian style restaurant, CARMINE’S (either the one in Times Square or the one uptown. The food’s fantastic, and served family style. This means every plate is big enough for 3-4 people…so dig in!

(photo by: Fidel Amos)

* Visit a random bar.

Pick one. On ANY street you come across in NY, walk in, sit at the bar, ask for a shot (for you and however many folks you’re with), pay for them (tip 20%!!), then thank the bartender, and walk out. This will give you the giggly energy (and temporary stamina) to handle walking another 20 NY blocks to go see the next sight…

(photo by: Fidel Amos)

– F


Filed under Globetrotting, New York City