“Fidelis Maximus vs. Cosmopolitan.”

I’m reading Cosmopolitan magazine.

Right here. Right now.

Don’t waste your time wondering WHY I’m  reading Cosmopolitan. Any cries of foul play against my manly persona would be quickly dismissed with the typical “I live with my girlfriend and she has it lying around” comment. And for those of you that know me better than my newer readers, you know that wouldn’t matter anyway. I’d read a Cosmo any day of the week if I found one lying around. I’m curious (and easily entertained) like that.

…but I digress.

I’m on page 151 of their May 2010 issue, and there are 100 relationship questions being answered by three Psychologists at the PhD level. And, well, I disagree with them. Sure, some could argue that OF COURSE I’m going to disagree with them because I’m A) a male, and B) a non PhD holder.

However…

One thing I do have is 15 years of dating experience. Doesn’t THAT count for something? If I needed my car fixed, I’d take it to the guy with 15 years of experience. If I needed a Head Coach for my football team, I’d take the guy with 15 years of experience. So if you’re wondering if I’m adequately qualified to even bother answering these questions…the answer is yes.

With that said (and with my desire to write about SOMETHING kicking into high gear) I present to you:

Fidelis Maximus vs. Cosmopolitan

(and indirectly, vs. three Doctors)

_______________________________________________

Question #1

It’s been 4 days since the date, and he hasn’t called. Is he not into it?

C: “Maybe. Email and say you had a great time. If he doesn’t take the bait, move on mentally.

F: Um, YEAH. If it’s been 4 days and he hasn’t called, you should not only move on mentally, but you might want to plan for the future next time. For example, if you thought he was that hot of a catch, next time take HIS number. As a matter of fact, let’s make that Rule #1: “Be the number TAKER, not the number GIVER.” If someone tries to get your number, at least get theirs as well…only if you think you might be interested of course. Don’t take it if you don’t plan on calling. Otherwise they’ll be writing Cosmo in four days trying to figure out if they did something wrong. And that would just make you an a**hole…and you don’t want to be an a**hole do you? DO YOU?

Question #10

Should I play hard to get even if we’ve been dating for a few years?

C: Sometimes. It maintains a sense of mystery that keeps him panting.

F: Absolutely not. We’ve gone through this trouble (and these few years) trying to get to know one another and learning to read each others tell-tales, secrets, habits, and quirks. Why on earth would you try to play hard to get AGAIN?? Didn’t you do enough of that in the FIRST place, when I was trying my d***dest to get your number..?? Believe me, if he wants a sense of mystery he’ll stop dating you and start dating someone he DOESN’T know. You wanna play cute? Fine. You wanna play sexy, or dangerous, or something new? Fine. You wanna start dressing up in Catholic schoolgirl outfits and smacking me on my backside every time I go to grab the tv remote because you think it’ll spice up the relationship? Fine. But playing hard to get? No thank you. We’ve played that game already.

Question #20

Do ultimatums work?

C: They can. But give one only if you’re positive you won’t wimp out and not follow through.

F: If you’re an NYPD officer, and you and a murderer are pointing guns at each other in a standoff, and you yell out “Put that down or I’ll shoot!”, then yes, in that situation, an ultimatum might work. In a relationship however, you really shouldn’t even BE in a situation where you need to USE an ultimatum. Work it out. Figure it out. Try and try again…or not. Either way, it’s not healthy. If they do something you can’t stand, or they’re someone you’re not, or they’re living a lifestyle you don’t want to be a part of…walk away. They may hate you now, but you’ll love yourself later. And besides, who really wants to find themselves at 630am, in the bathroom, screaming at their significant other from behind a shower curtain “I said IT’S NOT FUNNY!! If you pour cold water on me ONE MORE TIME, I’M LEAVING!!”

Question #34

I attract guys who turn out to be douche-bags. Why can’t I find a good one?

C: You’re choosing them, so you have a hard time seeing red flags. Enlist a friend to point them out.

F: Stop hanging around places where douche-bags hang out. Stop allowing yourself to be caught up and impressed by douche-bags. Stop PRETENDING you don’t know what a douche-bag is, or how to avoid them. If they treat you wrong, treat your friends wrong, have no potential (or even the want) to be anything other than a douche-bag, beat you, scream and curse at you, throw stuff at you, disrespect you, belittle you, or generally act like they don’t give 2-cents about you…chances are they’re a douche-bag. If you need any further clues as to how a douche-bag acts, think of the last 5 guys you dated, THEY were all douche-bags. Stop seeing guys that act LIKE THEM.

Question #35

How long should we date before living together?

C: A year.

F: Trying to tell you how many years you need to date before living together is like trying to guess how many people you’ll have to date before you find the ONE. It depends. It depends on you, and them, and finances, religion, work, location, opportunity, time, space, fate, God, and entire list of things that most people have absolutely NO control over. The point is it’s different for everyone. Stop worrying about how long you should date, and how soon you should move in together, and when you should get married. Stop worrying about the relationship, just BE IN the relationship. Next thing you know you’ll be celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary, or your 50th year of being single. Either way, you will have saved yourself the stress of worrying about it.

Question #39

What is the best way to get over an ex?

C: Giving it time. And replacing his number with a friend’s in your cell, so when you call, you reach her.

F: Again, trying to answer this question is ridiculous. It depends on how long you were together, how much you cared for the person, how the relationship ended, and a hundred other variables. Some people get over their ex in a week, some people are so devastated by an ex relationship that they never find another mate, and live out the rest of their days alone. People are people, and life is life…which, in short, means there are an infinite number of ways to get over an ex. ONE thing is for sure however. Whatever you need to do to get over that ex, it’d be a good idea to get over them BEFORE you’re in the next relationship…not during.

Question #42

Do guys kiss and tell?

C: Men bond by doing stuff, not by talking, so your sex life isn’t being dissected.

F: If this were regarding ANTHING other than “kissing and telling”, I’d say you were mostly right about the “bonding by doing stuff” comment. No, men don’t talk a lot while they’re bonding. If they did, they’d be women. HOWEVER, in matters of kissing…and touching, groping, dry-humping, banging, spooning, showering, and leaving the next morning…I’d say that YES, they most DEFINITELY talk about you. Whatever could’ve happened, whatever did happen, and wherever it happened will most than likely be discussed. There’s no doubt in my mind that men talk about that more than women do. As I said before, I could be wrong…I’m no Doctor. But I do spend more time with more women and more men than most people I know…and I know what we talk about while we’re there. And believe me, it’s not caulking.

Question #43

I cheated, but I want to stay together. Do I confess?

C: No. Figure out why you did it, then put your effort into fixing that aspect of the relationship.

F: YESSSSSSSSSSS!!! TELL THEM!! And know that I’m dead serious when I tell you that. Sure, it might get you yelled at, it might get you cursed at, it might even cost you your relationship. But unless I’m wrong, NO ONE wants to be cheated on and not told. Plus carrying the burden of doing what you’ve done and knowing what you know is too much for one person, and you won’t be able to ask your partner to help you with that burden if you keep it a secret. Not to mention you most DEFINITELY don’t want that coming back to bite you on the night of your 50th wedding anniversary. There are 6 billion people on this earth not including your significant other. Cheating is tempting, and in most cases easy to get away with. If you did it, confess to it. If they’re willing to forgive you, THEN put effort into fixing whatever you need to fix in your relationship to get it back to the way it was before you started cheating. If they leave you however, just remember, you brought that on yourself. It’s called living AND LEARNING people…not just living. Don’t want go get left? Don’t cheat. Don’t want to cheat? Stop hanging around with your ex. Stop working late with the hot, single blonde. Stop getting drunk in situations where there are people ready and willing to take advantage of your drunkenness. You won’t have to figure out whether or not to confess if there’s nothing TO confess…

Question #52

He asked how many men I’ve slept with. What can I say that’s not specific?

C: My number is more than Mother Teresa’s but less than Warren Beatty’s.

F: “It’s none of your friggin business how many men I’ve slept with, it was in the past. If you’re worried about my past then you should’ve dated me in the past…THEN it would’ve been your business, .” <— That’s what you say that’s not specific.

Question #55

He gave me his number, when should I call?

C: After 48 hours. Any later and it’s a ploy; any earlier and it’s desperate.

F: Again, this answer cannot be correctly given because the situation depends on too many variables. If you met him out and about in a group of 20 other people at say, a BBQ, cocktail hour or some other social gathering, and you were kind of interested, then call him in a couple days. If you met him in the morning while on vacation in some ridiculously beautiful country you’ve never been to and breakfast was a picnic in the park and somehow you both enjoyed your company so much that you walked the city all day learning about each other and then had lunch on the beach and went sightseeing for a few more hours and started holding hands and dinner was at a restaurant on a hill under a perfectly starlit night and then after 15 hours together you were forced to get in a cab and go back to your hotel and he says “Call me when you get there so I know you’re safe” then you CALL HIM WHEN YOU GET THERE. The point is there IS no right time to call, so call whenever you feel is right. If you don’t ever feel like calling, then don’t…because it probably ISN’T right.

Question #63

How many dates should I go on before sleeping with him?

C: Four is a good number.

F: Four would be a good number…?? Hell, MARRIAGE would be a good number. How about when you’re IN LOVE? Or when you’re COMFORTABLE ENOUGH to not be worrying about how many dates you have or haven’t been on..?? Those are good numbers too, I’m sure.

Question #71

Why did he take my number and not call?

C: He wanted the ego boost, not you.

F: For the same reason you bought that $75 dress on sale from $400 but let it sit in your closet for 3 months before wearing it. Things change. People change. Numbers change. And alcohol changes ALL of that even more. So he was gonna call you…and didn’t. Sue him. You didn’t like him that much anyway. How do I know? Because you didn’t follow Rule #1. What’s Rule #1..?? I just told you, you forgot already?? Geesh…

“Be the number TAKER, not the number GIVER.”

Question #80

When is the right time to say “I love you”?

C: Wait at least 90 days. It takes that long to know it’s not just lust.

F: The moment you love that person. 90 seconds. 90 days. 90 months. Who cares? Let’s be adults here…you know what lust is. You know what love is. If you’re young still and you DON’T know what love is…it’s that earth shattering feeling that kind of FEELS like lust…only 100 times worse. Trust me, you’ll know it when you feel it. When that happens, TELL THEM.

Question #91

I’ve never seen him cry. Weird?

C: No, guys grow up believing tears are emasculating. So you’ll have to tell him you think opening up is sexy.

F: Guys don’t think tears are emasculating, we think they represent exactly what everyone ELSE thinks they represent: sadness, sorrow, depression, loss, pain, and strife. And since they’re human, just like everyone ELSE, they’d rather not be IN a situation where they’re sad, sorrowful, depressed, in pain, in strife, or have lost someone…so they’d rather NOT cry. As a matter of fact, unless I’m dead wrong, I’m pretty sure NO ONE on earth would want to cry if they could help it.

PS. Seriously Cosmo..? “You’ll have to tell him you think opening up is sexy”..?? Why would a woman WANT her man to cry? I can understand wanting him to open up, but why would anyone think ANYONE crying is sexy..?

Question #100

I still get crushes even though I’m married. Is that healthy?

C: Yes. Crushes bring back that sexy, single-girl feeling your guy found irresistible when you first met.

F: No. Crushes outside of your marriage AREN’T healthy. You’re MARRIED. You want crushes? Stay single and hit the town with your friends every couple of days. Go to the beach with your friends and play some music, drink some beers, and hold your crush by the hand in the firelight. What’s that you say? You’re not 17 anymore..? Oh, and you’re married..?? So what do you still want a crush for..??? Go home to your husband. Go out with HIM. Go to the beach and hold HIS hand in the firelight. You want to bring back that sexy, single-girl feeling?

…then go be single.

– F